Aliens Have Been Observing Us
I was just in the shower, daydreaming about space aliens again. This time it was the kind with the big bald heads and the Nehru jackets. They were like scientists, observing the human species the way we might study, you know, wombats or some shit. Alien anthropologists. After observing us and monitoring our various forms of media and communications, they presented their conclusions to their superiors back on their home planet, which they call "Hoooeeeeeeeeee-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip" even though that's not its real name.

ALIEN GRAND POOBAH: Which regions of Earth did you observe?

SPEMULAK: Mostly the country called "USA". It was the loudest. Yet we gathered information from many other places as well.

ALIEN GRAND POOBAH: What motivates the humans?

ZOLTAR: Three main factors are fear, a desire for shiny objects, and mammary glands.

SPEMULAK: Yes, the mammary glands. Assistant Blarg! Play the prepared music video montage!

[montage plays]

AGP: Ah... I see. Many mammary glands and shiny objects represented. But what of this fear you mention?

ZOLTAR: Play montage #2.

[montage of horror movie clips]

AGP: Hmmm... Do they know nothing of love?

SPEMULAK: On the contrary, they claim to be in love with love. But they express this through harsh and juvenile means.

AGP: Such as?

ZOLTAR: Violent pornographic games of ground-acquisition. Play the video marked "football exhibit 17a." On the green rectangle, note the hugging, touching, grabbing, piling of bodies, patting and then on the sidelines...

AGP: A mammary gland display. Yes, I see.

SPEMULAK: In general, we have noticed that the basic motivating factors are often combined in strange ways. Ways the humans may not even be aware of.

ZOLTAR: For example, some humans, the ones called "Conservatives" or "Republicans" actually love fear itself. Play "Political Speech Montage and Religious Sermon Montage". [montages play]

SPEMULAK: Some of them also seem to love what they claim to fear. They pass laws against certain behaviors and when they think they are alone, they indulge in them -- things like prostitution, gambling, drug abuse and what appears to be ritual child molestation. Play "Pedophile Priest montages 6 through 9".

ZOLTAR: Inevitably, the reverse is also sometimes true and they express fear for what they love. Play "Janet Jackson Mammary Exposure" please.

AGP: What do these "Republicans" fear most?

SPEMULAK: Terrorism. Communism. Jism. Not necessarily in that order.

AGP: Is that all?

ZOLTAR: Also, Republicans greatly fear the wrath of an invisible deity--

SPEMULAK: And the male anus.

AGP: Is that practical? Is not every male equipped with an anus?

SPEMULAK: Indeed. Every female as well.

ZOLTAR: Though the female anus is not widely feared. Only the male anus is feared.

AGP: Perhaps they are like the giant toad-creatures of planet Globb. I hear only the females defecate, and then only once during a lifetime.

SPEMULAK: Perhaps. Though this anus-fear does not seem to be a biological trait among humans. It appears to be acquired culturally.

AGP: Mysterious. What else? What of their hopes and dreams?

ZOLTAR: Most humans aspire to have their likenesses displayed on viewing screens.

SPEMULAK: This goes hand-in-hand with the desire for shiny objects and mammary glands. The females have decorative artificial mammaries implanted when the original ones lack prominence. Then come the shiny objects and the viewing-screen placement.

AGP: Well, good work gentlemen. When will you be returning to the Earth?

ZOLTAR: Soon. We need to check our hypothesis that the "Republicans" will destroy some more buildings in order to win favor among their underlings in an upcoming popularity contest.

AGP: Very well. I look forward to your next report.