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The Blog is Dead! Long Live the Blog! [Oct. 28th, 2007|11:15 pm]
[Current Location |Hell's Kitchen Apt.]
[mood |calm]
[music |Ambient Pandora stream]

This is the last entry for this blog.  I have started a new, improved blog.  You can find it here.  Enjoy!
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Solar Two: NYC's Carbon-Neutral Building [May. 24th, 2007|11:34 am]
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First the Dishes, Then the Revolution [May. 11th, 2007|11:16 am]

Check out this Freegan feast!
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The Ayahuasca Monologues - Jamye Waxman [Apr. 17th, 2007|02:49 pm]
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The Ayahuasca Monologues - Bill Kennedy [Apr. 17th, 2007|02:47 pm]
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Kurt Vonnegut [Apr. 12th, 2007|01:40 am]
One of my favorite authors just kicked.  Gone on to a better place.  So, I'm happy for him, even as I lament his passing.

If you haven't read "Breakfast of Champions" go read it now.

That is all.
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bar-b-q [Apr. 3rd, 2007|05:18 pm]
[Current Location |petra's place]
[mood |chipper]

Since we are in the early stages of another presidential political season, even I, Jon Levin, a person who generally avoids mainstream newsmedia for its worthlessness, cannot help but be bombarded with divisive political rhetoric coming from all sides.  And sure... there are issues over which the American people are deeply divided, so much so that we often come to view those on the other side of an issue as an "enemy."  But this misses the much larger problem:

A tiny wealthy elite has used their control of mainstream media, television in particular, to create an artificial rift in American society -- what has become known as the red/blue divide.  Democracy can't exist under such circumstances, as people have been manipulated to ignore their own interests.  Instead, they make rash decisions out of fear of enemies that have been manufactured by those in control, for the sole purpose of such manipulation.  Rupert Murdoch might be able to claim that Fox News merely meets the needs of a segment of the TV-viewers that had previously been ignored.  But everyone knows that Fox News is a tool of divisiveness and control.  If the urban working poor and the rural working poor were ever allowed the chance to relax and smoke a bowl together, they'd figure out that they have much in common and generally want the same things out of life.  Things from which they are barred not by each other, but by the wealthy elites who wield control.  If the common follk could ever come together and see how silly their differences are and how significant their similarities are, the whole social structure would change quickly and radically toward something far more harmonious for everyone.  (Everyone INCLUDING the wealthy elite, by the way.)

Fox News viewers are NOT our enemies.  They just don't know any better.  Our job shouldn't be to defeat them, it should be to reach them.  To educate them.  This means that we have to appeal to them in terms they can understand and appreciate.  We should resist the urge to make fun of them and instead treat them with as much compassion and respect as we can muster.  Much of what they believe may be abhorrent to us, so the task of reaching out to them may not be an easy one.  On the contrary.  We have a far more difficult job ahead of us than the wealthy fear-mongers do.  Fortunately, we have truth on our side.  But even if we have the moral high-ground, we have to realize that they believe they have the moral high-ground, and that they see us as a bunch of degenerates.  SO... as much as it pains me to say it, and as much as it will pain us to DO it... I really think we have to clean up our act a bit.

We are dealing with masses of people (some of whom are perfectly decent, intelligent, reasonable folk) who are simply operating from within a pre-European-enlightenment mindset.  They simply haven't evolved past the "God, King and Country" ethos of, say, Feudalism.  The fact that they now drive Hummers instead of a horse-drawn cart doesn't mean anything.  For whatever reason, they're stuck in "reverse," and to us it looks like they're all totally insane.  But from their point of view, they think they see things clear as day, and to them we seem insane.  Since we KNOW we are actually more advanced than they are, we have something of an advantage.  We can sink to their level to be able to communicate with them, and then go home and be modern humans again.

How does this translate into real-world action?  Well for starters, in the future, if we're going to, say, march on Washington to protest some atrocity or other, I think we should get dressed up.  Like, we should wear suits and ties, and the ladies should wear nice dresses.  Our "Sunday best."  (Don't think of it as compromising our freedom-of-self-expression; rather think of it as a costume party.)  We shouldn't bother chanting about "smashing the state" or anything scary like that.  Consider how it will play out in the media.  What would influence a conservative Fox-viewer and strike fear into Dick Cheney's heart more... seeing an unruly mass of vaguely hippie-lookin' freaks marching and jumping around all willy-nilly, OR a calm, orderly, purpose-driven throng of hundreds of thousands of well-dressed professionals?  Can you imagine it?!?  The cops wouldn't know what to do!  Seriously.  If we could pull that off, the Bushies would collectively shit the biggest brick in the world.  But then what would we do with such a brick?  Hmm... maybe there's a way we could burn it to generate free electricity.

If I were magic, I'd snap my fingers and there'd be world peace.  If I were magic, but not quite magical enough to pull that off, I'd snap my fingers and transport poor urban folks and poor rural folks to outdoor barbecues with plenty of good food, good beer and lots of really good marijuana.  And good music.  And then just sit back and let people realize that they actually can tolerate each other just fine.

I think this would work, not only to heal the artificial rift between "red" and "blue" but also between British and Irish, Israeli and Palestinian, Illinoisian and Wisconsonite, etc.  Of course, a large part of the strategy involves the smoking of the peace pipe full 'o weed, and some of the more conservative barbecuers might not be into that.  Sooooo... I guess we should round them up and shoot 'em.  Hah hah, no.  No no... we should just bake really good pot brownies, pot cookies and candies, and not tell them they're getting dosed.

While we're at it, we might want to dose the White House and Congress.
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I Entered a Contest [Jan. 28th, 2007|11:33 pm]
[mood |chipper]

A couple years ago, I found out that my friend Jennifer Anne was helping out a weird organization that holds little filmmaking competitions. They call themselves NYC Midnight Movie Making Madness, or 'NYC Midnight' for short. She convinced me to participate in one of the contests, wherein we had to show up to a club downtown on a Friday night, and at the stroke of midnight they gave us all (about 60 filmmaking teams) the subject/theme of the film we had to make and then we had until midnight the next night to return to that same club with the finished product on a video tape.

We had to come up with a concept, write an original script, find actors and locations and costumes and props, shoot, edit and score (with original music!) a 10-minute (max.) little movie in under 24 hours. I don't think I've ever consumed that much caffeine in a single day before or since. We told the cab driver we'd tip him extra if he ran some red lights to make sure we got there in time. He did. The fare was maybe $12 but I just threw a couple $20 bills at him and we ran to the door of the club barely making it in under the wire. But we didn't win the contest. Still, it was pretty fucking fun, and quite an interesting challenge. If nothing else, it was a routine-obliterating exercise in sheer lunacy.

Or maybe it was a lunatic exercise in routine obliteration.

Either way.

Despite how much fun it was, I haven't exactly had the urge to repeat the experience. But I am on the organization's e-mail list, so I've learned that they've been successful enough with the film contests that they've branched out into other types of contests. The latest: short story writing.

Now that's something I'd like to try, I thought. So I did. I ponied up the $40 entry fee, and waited until the designated evening when, once again, at the stroke of midnight, the contestants would all receive the genre and subject matter of the short story they had to write.

This contest worked a little differently. A little over 200 people from all over the country (and beyond) entered. They divided us up into about 14 different groups and everybody in a group was given the same genre and subject. Some of the possibilities were:

Comedy - counterfeiting
Drama - domestic abuse
Romantic Comedy - bachelorette party
Fantasy - a stream
Horror - snow
Thriller - electricity

and the one that I got was: Science Fiction - a fish tank.

My first reaction was, "well, at least I'm not one of the poor bastards who had to write a drama about domestic abuse!"

I mentioned the assignment to my pal Robert who pointed out that the whole fish tank thing is kind of a staple, a sci-fi cliché even. So, I decided not to write about some kid who doesn't realize that he has an outerspace creature or some tiny lost civilization living in his fish tank. Instead, I decided to treat it as a metaphor for paranoia, voyeurism, shit like that.

I know a little something about paranoia. I used to feel it almost all the time. Once, when I was still working at the MTV, I got this especially horrible creepy feeling that everybody was watching me and could read my mind. It was so disturbing that I got up from my desk, walked out of my office and went to get a drink of water. I was halfway to the pantry when this other guy comes around another corner singing out loud (to nobody in particular, but looking me straight in the eye) that '80's song that goes "I always feel like... somebody's watching meeeeee." Creeped me out so hard I nearly shat. True story by the way.

Anyway, this is only the first round of the contest and we were all given one week to write and send our stories in via email. I kind of mulled the story over in my head for the first 5 days and then wrote it in a day and a half. Once again, I got it to them with only minutes to spare. It had to be 2500 words or less, and mine clocks in around 1600. If I had had more time, the story could've benefitted from using more of the words allowed. But given the circumstances, I don't think it's too bad. Wanna read it? Here it is:


FISH TANK 108
by Jon Levin


As you can see, nano-imaging technology gives us total access, no matter where someone goes or what he does -- the Holy Grail of surveillance. If you look at the monitor, here is test-subject number… um… 108, standing in his living room, talking on the phone.

What is that he's standing next to?

It appears to be a tropical fish tank.

Very impressive. How does the technology work?

Microscopic cell-like robots float around the subject in what essentially amounts to an invisible "cloud" and send continuous audio-visual information back to us via radio signals, which we can then de-scramble and view on these monitors.

What is their power source and how do they maintain contact with a specific individual?

They derive all the energy they require from the body heat and subtle energy field generated by the subject himself, all without his ever knowing it. Some of the nanobots migrate through the subject's respiratory system, into the bloodstream and take up residence in the brain, where they broadcast to the nanobots hovering in the energy field around the subject. Once linked in this way, they never break contact and we need never lose sight of him until we decide to stop viewing.

How do we get the nanobots in place to begin with?

Well, we're working on a more reliable remote delivery system, but at present, one of us has to come into actual physical contact with the target, to ensure accuracy. We deliver the nanobots by spraying or smearing a small amount of colorless, odorless liquid onto clothing or skin. The first of them to evaporate and become airborne automatically migrate into the subject's brain, and once in place, the rest activate as they become airborne as well.

What if some are lost, or are accidentally inhaled by an unintended target?

Obviously, it's preferable to place the nanobots on the intended target when he or she is alone. If this is too difficult, and placement must occur, say, on a crowded subway train at rush-hour to avoid detection/suspicion, it is possible that more than one person will inhale some nanobots--

--or due to the ventilation system, indeed all persons on the train could conceivably inhale nanobots.

True. But so far the nanobots have proven completely harmless to all subjects, and nobody will ever know they have them in their brains. If you are worried about a dose of nanobots being spread to thin to work effectively with an intended target due to being inhaled by everyone on a commuter train, we've addressed that problem by making the nanobots self-replicating. When there are fewer nanobots hovering around a subject than required for optimal surveillance resolution, they automatically begin producing more of themselves until a full complement is in place.

Will they do this for the unintended targets as well? Everyone on the entire train?

Well… yes. But does it matter? We don't have to actively monitor everyone who has been accidentally dosed with nanobots. Though, if we wanted to we probably could. The database is capable of keeping track of billions of subjects simultaneously. Potentially everyone on Earth.

Why don't we just let them spread to everyone? Wouldn't that save us a lot of trouble?

Something to consider. Turn up the audio. I'd like to hear the sound quality.

* * * * * * * *

Test subject 108 feeds his tropical fish while talking on the phone. He watches intently as the fish swim to the surface and eat the small flakes of food.
"… Actually, there was this one funny thing that happened at work. You know how I've been re-assigned to the affiliate sales group? Well they're on the 16th floor facing north, so instead of the nice downtown skyline view, all we look out on is the side of the Sheraton Hotel tower. So, I'm at my desk, procrastinating like usual when I hear Kate, the executive assistant -- yeah, the redhead -- and she's like shrieking 'Oh my god! Oh my god!" and we're all like 'What the fuck!?' so we all go running over to see what's the matter, and Kate is standing at the window looking across at the Sheraton, and she points to some guy a couple stories below us, standing at the window of his hotel room, totally naked. Yeah… completely oblivious…. Right, it was a floor to ceiling plate-glass window and he was just standing there in all his glory… I don't know… Like, just looking down at the city below. So all the assistant girls start calling all their friends in the building and telling them to go over to the north side of their floors to stare at this dumbass. … No, I don't think he was an exhibitionist. I think he was just clueless. Probably here on business from some small town somewhere, never been in a big crowded city before and simply had no idea that about a thousand low-level administrative employees were gawking and laughing at him from the office building across the street. … Well, he was in sunlight and we were in shadow. He probably couldn't see us at all. And he was only like 30 feet away. At one point, he started scratching his balls or something, and all the girls were like 'Eeeww!' and giggling like they were in junior high. Poor bastard. Not like he'll ever know, but still. So anyway, meet up for beers later? … Yeah… Sounds good. See you then."
108 puts his phone down, sits on the couch, slouches. Turns on the TV with a remote control. Channel surfs for a while. Settles on a local news broadcast. Grabs a bong and a lighter off the coffee table and smokes some pot. Puts the bong back down. Channel surfs some more. Cartoon network. After a while, he gets up, goes to the kitchen, opens the fridge, roots around for a while. Takes out some leftovers. Sniffs them. Sniffs them again. Sticks them in a microwave oven on the counter. Grabs a half-eaten bag of potato chips off the counter. Eats some potato chips. Gets a can of soda out of the fridge. Drinks a little. The microwave beeps. Food is ready. He takes the food, chips and soda back to the couch. Eats while watching the TV. After he finishes his food, he takes off his clothes, goes to the bathroom, turns the water on in the shower. While waiting for it to get warm, he sits on the toilet.

* * * * * * * *

Will the shower water interfere with the nanobots hovering around him? Will they get knocked out of place? Washed away?

They shouldn't. They are programmed to ride air currents out of the way of oncoming physical objects, and water droplets shouldn't be any exception. If necessary, they will automatically expand their radius to a safe distance. There may be some visual distortion, due to the water, but nothing serious. Perhaps we could even implement a specific shower-recognition-and-correction algorithm.

Are there any female subjects we could look in on?

Of course.

* * * * * * * *

Subject 108 showers. When he is finished, he gets out and dries himself off. He wraps a towel around his waist and comes back out to the living room, where he does a few more bong hits. He goes and watches his fish swim in their tank.
"You guys don't have a care in the world, do you? Lucky bastards."

* * * * * * * *

Oh, like he's got it so bad? Nice attitude pal.

Keep your comments to yourself please.

* * * * * * * *

108 puts on some clothing. Watches more TV. Smokes more pot. Channel surfs. Channel surfs. Nothing good on. Turns TV off. Gets up to watch the fish. Phone rings. He answers it, staring at the fish as he talks.
"Oh hey. … Yeah, sorry about that. I musta spaced. … Well, I suddenly don't know if I'm up for it anymore. I'm kinda not feeling very social at the moment. … Yeah, I don't know. I just don't feel like being around so many people. You know it's gonna be totally crowded anywhere we go. … I know, I know, you're right. Sorry man. I just hate when everybody's all crammed in at the bar, people shoving past, and I feel like they're all so judgmental and you gotta be on your game the whole time. It's exhausting. … Yeah, of course I need to get laid. Sure. I'll go out tomorrow night. … I dunno. Smoke more probably. … Nah, TV sucks on Friday night. You wanna come over? Get a movie, get high, drink some beers? Maybe get a pizza delivered? … Can't tempt ya? … No seriously, I'm in for the night. I can't stand feeling like everybody in the club is looking at me, judging me. Like I'm on display for their amusement or something. I just feel really paranoid all of a sudden. … Well, maybe it's the pot, but it's pretty good shit and I don't usually react like this. I dunno. It's a really sick feeling. Even now, I feel a little creeped out. Hard to explain. Sorry if I'm not making much sense. I'll let you go. You have a good time. … Gonna smoke more and go to sleep in a bit. Yeah, thanks, it'll be great… just me 'n' my fish tank. … Okay. See ya."
108 hangs up. Pulls a rocking chair over by the fish tank. Wraps a blanket around himself. Sits in the chair, rocking, staring at the fish.

The End

Or is it? (No, it is.)

So, yeah. That's what I came up with. I hope it was creepy enough. Supposedly, I should find out by the second week of March if I made it to the next and final round or not. They're only going to pick 15 or so people who will all be given the same genre and subject, and only 24 hours to write the whole thing. That's gonna be brutal. I can hardly wait. Wish me luck! And feel free to leave comments with feedback about the story. Be HONEST. I can take criticism. Be harsh even. That way, if the judges are harsh I'll be prepared!
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Eww... gross. [Dec. 27th, 2006|01:49 pm]
[Current Location |petra's place]
[mood |frisky, slightly nauseated]
[music |Devendra Banhart warbling about something or other]

I just tasted some cat food. It didn't smell as bad as most wet canned cat food, so I got curious. Much like cats are said to be. Perhaps I was a cat in a past life! Ah, but curiosity is also said to kill the cats, and I should have thought of that before I put the fork in my mouth (there was only a tiny bit on the fork, but still). Cats at least have nine lives, but I might never be able to erase the memory of how utterly revolting this experience was. The fact that Petra's two cats go absolutely apeshit over the stuff doesn't necessarily make me think any less of them for having such bad taste, but it does speak to differences between our species which we simply may not be able to overcome, past life notwithstanding. I guess I shouldn't try to have sex with the cats anymore either.
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Gee Mail [Dec. 26th, 2006|09:54 am]
[mood |a little hungover]

Right now, in another firefox browser window, I am attempting to sign up for a gmail account (I like me the google -- they use solar energy at their corporate HQ, the Googleplex).

Naturally, gmail wants me to give them a username, so I can be whatever@gmail.com. Knowing full well that I am arriving late to the gmail party and that this would be utterly futile, I typed in jonlevin as a username, and of course, it was already taken. Presumably by some other Jon Levin out there. In addition to reminding me how common my name is, the gmail elves decided to recommend a few unique variants on my name that are as yet unclaimed by previous gmailers. The recommendations are:

- levijon
- levingeneral
- levinsweet
- levinfuture
- levincertain
- levincool

Are they kidding? If I picked any of those I'd never be able to stop mocking myself (a process not nearly as dirty as googling yourself, but far more time consuming).

I'm going to submit other username ideas. I'm thinking of naming myself after a TV sitcom character that I recall liking when I was a kid. Let's check the availability...

It was available. So, for better or worse, I'm now officially doctorjonnyfever@gmail.com. And should Google actually succeed in conquering all of planet earth, at least I won't be totally left in the dust.
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Green Wheels [Dec. 4th, 2006|12:34 am]
[Tags|]
[Current Location |work]
[mood |amused]

Of all the shows that I work on at Equator HD, my favorite is probably Green Wheels. It takes a fun look at alternative fuel and energy and eco-friendly automobile technologies. One of my many tasks at my job is to cut the 27-minute episodes down to 3-minute "webisodes". You can see high quality versions of them on the show's website, but in the meantime, here's a lower -- youtube-level -- quality sample:


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One for the Ladies... [Dec. 2nd, 2006|05:51 pm]
[mood |happy]

My friend Jamye is a sex writer working on a book about female masturbation. If you are female, have a few minutes to spare and wouldn't mind lending a hand [ahem] with this cool project, go to her blog and click where it says "Click here to take The M Word online Survey".

(Enjoy!)

In other news, I just saw the movie "The Fountain" and plan to write a review of it for Souldish.com. But before I do so, I may need to see it again. Or better yet, maybe I can interview the two people who came up with the concept behind this daring unconventional film: Darren Aronofsky (the Director) and his college friend Ari Handel (a neuroscientist) and have them clear up the one or two points which I'm not so sure about. Get the inside scoop, directly from the source! As it happens, I am acquainted with Ari Handel via a little organization called The Moth. Ari once told a great story about what it was like doing brain research on a very smart and stubborn chimpanzee named Santiago. And tomorrow (Sunday the 3rd of December) I'm telling my hospital story again at a Moth show being held at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden for some reason.

Should be fun, and the show is free with admission to the gardens.

Peace y'all!
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Souldish [Nov. 9th, 2006|10:22 am]
[Current Location |hell's kitchen]
[mood |chipper]

Yo. I am now the Culture Editor for a cool webzine blog thing called Souldish. My first contribution just went up at http://www.souldish.com/2006/11/09/a-review-of-island-by-aldous-huxley/

But don't worry. I'll continue to blog here too. There's enough gobble-de-gook in me brain to go around.

Huzzah!
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Calling All Flash Animators [Nov. 2nd, 2006|01:59 pm]
[Current Location |hell's kitchen]
[mood |contemplative]

This little idea for a slick Flash animation came to me the other morning while I was still only half-awake. If you, or anybody you know, is a kick-ass flash animator...

BLACK SCREEN

TEXT FADES ON:

"HOW THE LEFT VIEWS THE RIGHT:"

In a secret underground bunker: Dick Cheney in a lab coat and black rubber gloves, like a Dr. Frankenstein-Strangelove, Bush Sr. looking a bit like a Nazi and Karl Rove as a sniveling hunchbacked assistant all work feverishly in their dark laboratory, creating a giant robot Dubya. Every once in a while, Cheney grabs his heart from exertion.

CHENEY: (concerned) BAH!

The Giant DubyaBot takes shape. It is a hulking retro-future clunky-roughshod monster with George Bush Jr.’s face. 1000 feet tall. Once complete, they run it for President. It speaks its lines with a robotic version of Bush Jr.’s voice and enunciates poorly because the technology is primitive. It claims to be a regular guy, consumes an entire brewery of beer then stumbles over backwards and destroys a heartland village. People vote for it anyway. The vote is contested, so Cheney controls the robot and sends it to threaten the Supreme Court justices. They install the robot in the presidency.

CHENEY: (triumphant) BAH!

The robot goes marching through the land. It grabs the steeple off a church and affixes the cross to its chest. Faithful Christians all across America bow down before the Robot. They dress their sons and daughters in uniforms and offer them up to the Robot as a sacrifice. The Robot gathers them up and eats them for fuel. It then rockets across the ocean and lands in Iraq. Accompanied by more uniformed Christians, it marches around laying waste to the country. Cheney watches everything the Robot sees on a viewing screen from the safety of the bunker.

Cheney fiddles with some controls. The robot responds by gathering up more soldiers and eating them. Then it marches over an Iraqi village and half-squats...

CHENEY: Cradle of civilization, eh? Cradle THIS… [Cheney pushes a red button]

GiantDubya squints its eyes in exertion and shits a giant bomb onto the village, destroying it. Then the Robot stands fully upright again and laughs that sick little laugh that Bush Jr. laughs, while doing that little shoulder shrug he does.

FADE TO BLACK

TEXT FADES ON:

"HOW THE RIGHT VIEWS THE LEFT:"

A New York City street is crammed with half a million political protesters. Cheney watches them on a viewing screen from the safety of his underground bunker. His hand reaches for some robot controls…
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Crazy Capitalism! [Sep. 30th, 2006|01:58 pm]
[mood |calm]

Okay. Capitalism has officially gone nuts.

A company located in the Empire State Building has come up with the highly innovative concept of charging harried New Yorkers $14 in exchange for a 20-minute nap in a reclining chair. Apparently, they're doing quite well. Here's the math: That's $42 an hour. To doze off in a la-z-boy. (You can sleep an entire night in a double bed in your own entire private motel room for less than that -- though, maybe not in the heart of midtown.) It's the equivalent of renting a comfy chair for $30,000 a month.

Of course, you get more than just a comfy chair. The chair has an integrated space-age looking pod-thing which envelops your head to create a sense of privacy, blocking out light and sound in varying degrees, while leaving your vital organs and genitals exposed. The service will also pipe in the white noise or music of your choice during your 20-minutes. And for an extra fee, they will serve you lunch upon waking. That's one high-class nap.

Are you telling me that all those times I fell asleep at my desk, it wasn't cool? I should've been running out on my lunch hour to spend $14 on a 20-minute nap? With midtown traffic, it probably would've taken me 30 minutes to get to the nap-store, then there'd probably be a line of nappers ahead of me, so that's at least 10-minutes standing around waiting to nap. And since it always takes me a little while to get to sleep, I'm really only gonna get about 11 or 12 minutes of actual nap-time. And then my lunch-hour will be over and I won't have eaten anything, so I'll be hungry, distracted and weak for the rest of my workday.

But I wouldn't mind owning one of those cool pod-chairs.

http://www.metronaps.com/

Instead of that, it is far more economical to go down to the NY Open Center and avail yourself of their public meditation room. It's open all day during the day. Or at least it was the last time I checked. It's dark, quiet, you don't have to wait on a line and it's free. Free. And while it's not technically intended for napping, the soothing meditative vibes are very relaxing and I'm sure nobody would poke you with a stick if you were to accidentally doze off. Unless you started to snore really really loudly. Of course, should you actually MEDITATE there, supposedly the restorative effects on your body and mind would be even greater than those of a nap. So there. http://mail.opencenter.org/webdev/index.php#pt=home&se=
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Aliens Have Been Observing Us [Sep. 21st, 2006|04:12 pm]
[mood |giddy]

I was just in the shower, daydreaming about space aliens again. This time it was the kind with the big bald heads and the Nehru jackets. They were like scientists, observing the human species the way we might study, you know, wombats or some shit. Alien anthropologists. After observing us and monitoring our various forms of media and communications, they presented their conclusions to their superiors back on their home planet, which they call "Hoooeeeeeeeeee-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip-Bip" even though that's not its real name.

ALIEN GRAND POOBAH: Which regions of Earth did you observe?

SPEMULAK: Mostly the country called "USA". It was the loudest. Yet we gathered information from many other places as well.

ALIEN GRAND POOBAH: What motivates the humans?

ZOLTAR: Three main factors are fear, a desire for shiny objects, and mammary glands.

SPEMULAK: Yes, the mammary glands. Assistant Blarg! Play the prepared music video montage!

[montage plays]

AGP: Ah... I see. Many mammary glands and shiny objects represented. But what of this fear you mention?

ZOLTAR: Play montage #2.

[montage of horror movie clips]

AGP: Hmmm... Do they know nothing of love?

SPEMULAK: On the contrary, they claim to be in love with love. But they express this through harsh and juvenile means.

AGP: Such as?

ZOLTAR: Violent pornographic games of ground-acquisition. Play the video marked "football exhibit 17a." On the green rectangle, note the hugging, touching, grabbing, piling of bodies, patting and then on the sidelines...

AGP: A mammary gland display. Yes, I see.

SPEMULAK: In general, we have noticed that the basic motivating factors are often combined in strange ways. Ways the humans may not even be aware of.

ZOLTAR: For example, some humans, the ones called "Conservatives" or "Republicans" actually love fear itself. Play "Political Speech Montage and Religious Sermon Montage". [montages play]

SPEMULAK: Some of them also seem to love what they claim to fear. They pass laws against certain behaviors and when they think they are alone, they indulge in them -- things like prostitution, gambling, drug abuse and what appears to be ritual child molestation. Play "Pedophile Priest montages 6 through 9".

ZOLTAR: Inevitably, the reverse is also sometimes true and they express fear for what they love. Play "Janet Jackson Mammary Exposure" please.

AGP: What do these "Republicans" fear most?

SPEMULAK: Terrorism. Communism. Jism. Not necessarily in that order.

AGP: Is that all?

ZOLTAR: Also, Republicans greatly fear the wrath of an invisible deity--

SPEMULAK: And the male anus.

AGP: Is that practical? Is not every male equipped with an anus?

SPEMULAK: Indeed. Every female as well.

ZOLTAR: Though the female anus is not widely feared. Only the male anus is feared.

AGP: Perhaps they are like the giant toad-creatures of planet Globb. I hear only the females defecate, and then only once during a lifetime.

SPEMULAK: Perhaps. Though this anus-fear does not seem to be a biological trait among humans. It appears to be acquired culturally.

AGP: Mysterious. What else? What of their hopes and dreams?

ZOLTAR: Most humans aspire to have their likenesses displayed on viewing screens.

SPEMULAK: This goes hand-in-hand with the desire for shiny objects and mammary glands. The females have decorative artificial mammaries implanted when the original ones lack prominence. Then come the shiny objects and the viewing-screen placement.

AGP: Well, good work gentlemen. When will you be returning to the Earth?

ZOLTAR: Soon. We need to check our hypothesis that the "Republicans" will destroy some more buildings in order to win favor among their underlings in an upcoming popularity contest.

AGP: Very well. I look forward to your next report.
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9/11 Special Comment - Keith Olbermann [Sep. 14th, 2006|10:00 am]

If you haven't seen this yet, it is a real breath of fresh air, coming from mainstream media as it does. God bless Keith Olbermann!
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Dubya-Speak [Sep. 11th, 2006|06:32 pm]
[mood |good]

On this, the 5th anniversary of the worst day in America's recent memory -- and by that I mean the day that the Bush administration's ascendancy began in earnest -- I figured I'd take a moment to riff on politics a bit...

Today I saw a newspaper headline that read: "Bush Vows to Remember the Lessons of 9/11". Of course, the puppet masters who came up with that line want Bush supporters to believe that our leaders are ever more devoted to the safety and security of all True Americans. But what it is far more likely to mean is that the Bushites/neocons will primarily remember that when public opinion turns against them, an extremely easy and effective way to get people back on their side is to engineer a disaster resulting in the death of innocent Americans, which looks for all the world to be the work of foreign terrorists. That's the only lesson our "leaders" learned from 9/11, I assure you.

Given the enormous difference between what the Bushites say about any given situation and the reality of that situation, I can see how some people might find the times we live in to be confusing, possibly so much so that they are discouraged from trying to figure out what is really going on, or even paying attention at all.

So here is a little guide for the perplexed...

In his classic "1984" George Orwell wrote about "double-speak". This is how to translate "Dubya-Speak." There's a simple formula to it. All you have to do is take whatever comes out of George Bush's mouth (or the mouth of any spokesperson for the Bush administration) and imagine what the exact opposite would be. Sometimes this is harder than it sounds. For example...

WHEN BUSH SAYS: "Mission Accomplished"

you might apply the Dubya-Speak formula and assume that...

THE REALITY IS: "Mission NOT Accomplished"

but in fact, the EXACT opposite reads more like...

THE REALITY IS: "We Have No Intention of Ever Completing This Mission, and In Fact Have Conducted This Mission Specifically to Make Its Successful Completion Impossible."

Now, this might be hard to believe, since, on the surface of things, it would seem to go against a politician's objectives to intentionally screw-the-pooch so hard. But that just shows that you haven't applied the dubya-speak formula to the following statement...

WHEN BUSH SAYS: "The purpose of our mission in Iraq is to stabilize the region and allow a great flowering of Democracy and prosperity to take place all across the Middle East, making America and the entire world safer."

Apply the formula and you get...

THE REALITY IS: "We hope to permanently de-stabilize the region, causing ever greater hostilities, leaving Americans with a new perpetual enemy to fear, just like back in the good ol' days of the cold war, only this new perpetual enemy should be even scarier than the commies were, because religious fanatic terrorists could strike anywhere, anytime, with no provocation whatsoever! Mwahahahahah!"

But why would our leaders want to create such a horrible situation? Because...

WHEN BUSH SAYS: "The real winners will be the Iraqi people."

THE REALITY IS: "The real winners will be the heads of companies that make the weapons we will constantly drop on the Iraqi people."

What are the names of those "real winners"? They are the same names you get when you complete the following sentence: "The Bush Administration is sponsored by ______________."

Here's a simple one:

WHEN BUSH SAYS: "We do not use torture."

THE REALITY IS: "We use lots and lots of torture."

This last one goes out to Craig's brother Eric Nelson:

WHEN BUSH SAYS: "We thank the brave men and women of our armed forces, serving their country by defending freedom at home and bringing it to Iraq."

THE REALITY IS: [What do you think?]
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Playa Security Agency [Sep. 6th, 2006|06:26 am]
[mood |calm]

My friend Larry just got back from Burning Man, where he and his campmates created the "Playa Security Agency."



If you were there, I hope you got a chance to visit them. If not, go back in time and say "Hi" for me.

peace y'all.
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The Greatest American Hero [Aug. 30th, 2006|10:18 pm]
[mood |giddy]

This guy gets my vote for best American in the whole world...

http://www.gizmag.com/go/4430/
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